could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
