I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
