Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
