Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
