i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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