I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
