Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
