I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
