I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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