Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Text me some of your sweat
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
