i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
