Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
