i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
