omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
