He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
