Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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