I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
