Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
