smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
