I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
