So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
