Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
