She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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