my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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