Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
