wrigley field is MILF paradise
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Even my vagina gasped.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
