So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
