How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
