The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
My ATM looks so different sober.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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