The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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