I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
