hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
