Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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