proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
