Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
