i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
