He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
