I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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