I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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