She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
