Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
