Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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