When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
