i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
