I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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