Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
