John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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