Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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