like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
