She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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