Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
