I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
