I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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